


Granny Tyrell's High Garden Emporium

by Tagalongbadger



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Garden Centre Romance, M/M, Renly Being Stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-02-24 15:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2586899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tagalongbadger/pseuds/Tagalongbadger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If it weren’t for the delightful custom of giving gifts on the anniversary of one’s birth, Renly could have been quite happily tucked up at home trying to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser’s evil clutches. But society demanded he get his wretched sister in law a present of some kind, one that she almost certainly wouldn’t like and wouldn’t even pretend to like. Which is why he found himself stuck at a crappy looking garden centre on his only day off.</p><p>Luckily for Renly, there's more to be found at crappy garden centres than just crappy plants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye Tiny Cactus!

**Author's Note:**

> First fic ever, so go easy guys! Although of course any feedback would be deeply appreciated :) Enjoy

“Well if I send you a few pictures could you just like pick for me? Like tell me which one’s best…

… I don’t bloody care if it’s baby Podrick’s bloody lunch time! I need you Brienne! Please, I’m desperate…

… Please, just help me with this one little thing and I won’t bother you again. Today anyway…

…Yeah, yeah I know, you’re brilliant, yeah, but what should I get Cersei for her birthday?

…Dunno some garden centre? Women like flowers right?

…Brienne? Brienne!”

Renly swore under his breath; she’d hung up on him. He hoped that child was happy. Baby Podrick had stolen the best PA he’d ever had and now he was basically a broken man. He’d come out in a vest and beach shorts today in mid-October because no one had organised his laundry in over three weeks or emailed him the weather forecast. God, he needed help.

Shivering horrifically, Renly entered the questionable little garden centre that Siri had found for him ten minutes ago. He’d never seen it before. It was off the A-road behind the mini Tesco, where Renly had always thought there was a sex shop. Oh yeah, no, that was right _Little Finger’s Little Secret_ was back other way.

If it weren’t for the delightful custom of giving gifts on the anniversary of one’s birth, Renly could have been quite happily tucked up at home trying to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser’s evil clutches. But society demanded he get his wretched sister in law a present of some kind, one that she almost certainly wouldn’t like and wouldn’t even pretend to like. Which is why he found himself stuck at a crappy looking garden centre on his only day off.

It wasn’t like he disliked his job either. Being the brother of a multimillionaire business mogul, with his own decent share of the empire wasn’t a position to be sniffed at, if money and power were your goals in life. But the hours were long and stressful and the workforce was compiled almost entirely of scheming vipers all hankering for a piece of one another. Renly had learnt the rules of the game years ago and he’d also learnt that any fool who stuck to the rules would be deposed of pretty quickly. That was why he cherished his days off: there was no rulebook to set alight and throw out the window. He could take off his proverbial armour, swap it for a snuggie and just chill the fuck out.

Right now he’d do anything for his snuggie. It was cold and most of the plants and ornaments and shit were outside (what an awful layout, like seriously whose idea was this place?) and the nature was making his sinuses ache. In fucking October. And there was too much colour. Renly could barely see the comforting grey of the concrete beneath his feet to remind him he was still in the city. Instead the ground was covered in petals and leaves and naturey crap like that; it was making his skin crawl. Urgh why couldn’t he just pick one and get back home to Mario? It’s not like Cersei would even notice what he got anyway.

He must have hesitated too long, because that was when a voice piped up behind him,

“Hello there, welcome to Granny Tyrell’s High Garden Emporium! How may we be of service today?”

Renly whirled around, almost dropping a creepy stone spaniel Buddha mutant thing he was holding. (It bore an eerie resemblance to his nephew’s head of security.) And with a thwack his head collided with something and his vision blacked out for a second.

“Sorry!” A hand came up to check his forehead as he went to look up, catching him in the eye.

“Oh my goodness! Oh my god. Shit shit. I’m sorry! Are you okay?”

Someone took the statue from him and led him to a bench a few feet away and sat him down, before placing a comforting arm around his shoulders.

“I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t sue us.”

Renly huffed in amusement and tried to lift his gaze to get a look at his joint assailant and saviour, but the light hurt his eye. From the voice he’d guess guy in his early twenties. Well spoken, probably fairly intelligent, obviously with a good sense of humour. He’d managed to make Renly laugh within seconds of beating him about the head and partially blinding him. Athletic too he’d say, from the weight of the arm around his shoulders, though hopefully in a noncombat sport. This man had debilitated Renly in two swift blows and he was trying to sell him something. He shuddered to think what state he’d be in if they’d been on opposing rugby teams or something.

Intelligent, funny, athletic, must have a face like an arse. There had to be something wrong with this guy. Renly had far too much going on right now with the company to develop a schoolboy crush on a beautiful garden centre assistant. He hated nature. It would never work.

A cool hand cupped his chin. Rely might have said ‘cupped it tenderly’ but that was probably his mild concussion talking. He flinched in surprise as his head was carefully lifted. _Please don’t be hot. Please don’t be hot. You owe it to me to be super ugly._ Renly waited until the last second before looking up. Oh fuck. Obviously the universe hated him and wanted him to suffer. In front of him sat the most fucking perfect man Renly had ever seen in real life.

His eyes, Renly observed, were a blue only angels and royalty were entitled to. Like two slightly sarcastic, yet still warm and compassionate, sapphires plucked from the heavens. Jesus how strong was this concussion? There was a sort of witty intelligence in his eyebrows that showed he was no stranger to a scholarly debate. They were highbrow eyebrows, laced with satire and jovial scorn. His hair was a mass of dark blond curls, kind of like a cherub. But a cherub who was old enough to purchase alcohol and worry about the rent. The only thing uncherublike about this man was the fact that he was thankfully (or unthankfully? Renly wasn’t altogether sure,) wearing trousers.

“I take it you’ve not been blinded then?” The corners of his beautiful beautiful mouth curved upward ever so slightly, relief evident in gorgeous gorgeous eyes.

 _Only by your beauty._ Thought Renly dejectedly, before realising he’d been sat staring with his mouth wide open. Snapping it shut, he glanced away sheepishly. The most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014, or whoever he was, chuckled ever so slightly and took his arm back from around Renly’s shoulders, taking a piece of his soul with it.Great, now the world would be forever cold and lonely, unless he was wrapped up in this man’s arms. Five minutes ago he’d been perfectly happy. He’d had his shit together. Now he’d become a simpering mess. Renly cleared his throat,

“No, no I’m good.” he said, fighting to keep his voice even.

“So you’re definitely not going to sue us?” most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014 leaned in slightly, long fingers brushing Renly’s forearm, highbrow eyebrows raised in mock alarm.

Renly paused just long enough to see most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014’s Adam’s apple bob up and back down again. Their eyes met and Renly felt himself swallow too.

“So Granny Tyrell, you’re a lot younger and rather manlier than I’d imagined if you don’t mind my saying so.”

Not Granny Tyrell smiled up to his eyes. _Oh God_ Renly thought, as his fricking heart fricking fluttered. _Now I’m going to have to do everything in my power to keep that smile there it’s so fucking perfect. Shit you’re in deep, Renly, pull yourself together._ He licked his lips absently, before noting, far from absently, how the other man’s gaze dropped briefly at his movement. _Interesting._

“Hmm not quite. I’m Grandson Tyrell I suppose. Or Loras if you don’t want to use titles.” Loras, most beautiful garden centre assistant 2014, stood up and went back to pick up the Buddha spaniel. “Got to carry on the family business, an all that, you know.”

Renly stood to follow, he hoped not too eagerly. “Believe me, I know all about the perils of family business.” he said, before wandering over to join Loras. “I’m Renly by the way.” He held out his hand, his businessman’s manner taking over, even on his day off.

Loras turned, but instead of shaking Renly’s hand, he placed the Buddha spaniel in it.

“Tell me, Renly. Why on earth were you thinking of buying this monstrosity? Is it for someone you hate? Or is your taste truly that bad?” Loras looked sternly out from under his fringe. All Renly wanted to do was kiss away his stupid frown, even if it wasn’t real.

“Not gonna lie, I think you need to work on your sales technique there. Aren’t you meant to be promoting your goods?”

“Oh, don’t you worry about my _goods_ my friend, or my _technique_. I’ll still be making a sale today.” Loras purred (?!) plucking the Buddha spaniel from Renly’s grasp.

Renly’s breath caught in his throat as Loras reached up past him to put the statue back on the shelf, all the while maintaining eye contact. And did he… did he just flex a little bit? Breath hitching again, Renly could only reply with

“So what would you recommend?” he was horribly out of practise at this kind of thing.

The (probably imaginary) tension seemed to dissolve. Loras flashed him a smile and turned to lead him further into the labyrinth of garden.

“You looking for anything in particular?” he asked, “Apart from slightly blasphemous mutant dogs?”

“Besides the devil dog… Um no, not really.” Renly confessed as he drew up alongside Loras. “I need a present for my sister in law, but I’ve basically got no idea.”

Loras glanced out from under his fringe again, “Hmm, I can see that.” he smirked. “Unless you do hate her and you want her to know it, I’m afraid those hideous animal Buddha things are an absolute no go.”

They rounded a corner into a distinctly plantier, less statuey area of the building.

“I’m pretty sure she already knows it, if I’m honest.”

Loras slipped him a sly smile. “So what kind of budget are we looking at here?”

“Dunno, like, a couple of hundred maybe, maybe five? What do you suggest?” Renly shrugged, he hadn’t really thought about it. He usually got Brienne to do this kind of stuff.

Loras blinked at him. “Right well in that case, we’d better get started.” He rubbed his hands together, like a slightly devious but still very attractive little goblin, then broke into an adorable little trot towards a rack of large purple flowers. Renly had no idea what they were. He wasn’t really paying attention to the flowers, to be honest. There was currently something far more interesting occupying his vision.

“Hmm? Sorry, did you say something?” Renly dragged his eyes away from the impressive sight, just as Loras looked round. He’d been bending down for something on the bottom shelf. Now he was raising his eyebrows knowingly, the hint of a smirk playing on his lips. Renly blushed furiously. Loras turned back to the shelves.

“So what’s she like, your sister in law? I’m sensing bad blood there.”

Renly propped himself up against the shelf Loras was ransacking. “Yeah, you could say that.” He ran a hand through his hair absently, “We don’t exactly see eye to eye. Her son’s been making my life hell ever since he got a cut of the business from my brother.”

“Mmhm mmhm, so good pals then?”

Renly snorted. “She’s a she-devil. Completely two-faced. Except both her faces are evil.”

Finally having found what he was looking for, Loras emerged from between the shelves, hiding something behind his back as he stood.

“Luckily for you, we have a whole section dedicated to the pacification of hated family members. It seems garden emporia are the go to places for gifts that would otherwise be inconvenient.”

Renly looked up. There was indeed a wall of various generic garden ornaments, plants and flowers, all of which seemed to have a slightly off quality about them. It wasn’t that they were cheap or ugly or anything. It was just that they were the kind of gifts that showed someone had put a lot of thought into putting no thought at all into their gift. They summed up Renly and Cersei’s relationship perfectly.

Turning back to Loras, he had to jerk backwards to avoid a face full of spines. Loras’ hands were shoved under his nose and within them sat a tiny, tiny cactus. Renly had no idea what was happening. Loras was beaming at him like a child who’d just gone potty by himself for the first time. It was eye-wateringly adorable.

“What the hell is that?” Renly eyed the spikey little menace warily, not exactly at ease with the proximity to his face.

“Um, it’s what it looks like.” Loras blinked at him like he wasn’t quite sure what needed clarifying.

Renly blinked back.

Loras nodded towards the tiny cactus. “It’s a tiny cactus.” he said.

Renly cocked his head, “Mmhm yep I see that.”

Confusion crossed Loras’ face and Renly had to bite back a smile.

“It’s for your sister in law.” Loras shoved it further into Renly’s face, in a bid to clear up the misunderstanding, because obviously, he couldn’t see it well enough where it was.

Renly moved backward, stepping clear of the tiny spiny weapon, his face cracking into a grin. Loras realised what he was doing, and quickly removed the cactus from Renly’s face. He cradled it against his chest and smiled slightly guiltily, but maintained the small distance between them. He didn’t back away.

“I’m just going on what you’ve told me, obviously. But from what I’ve heard, she’s kind of heartless, so to annoy her you get her something adorable, so that everyone else will love it and she can’t show she hates it.”

Renly’s smile widened. This boy was devious.

Loras smiled back deviously; it was like he knew what he was thinking.

He continued. “She sounds like a bit of a gold digger, but probably a fairly classy gold-digger, so you get her something expensive but blatantly not worth it. And kind of hipstery.”

Renly raised his eyebrows. “Again with the questionable sales technique? Shouldn’t you be exaggerating your fabulous value for money?”

“My customers value honesty over savings,” Loras shrugged, “And you need this price tag to justify your crappy gift choice.”

“Fair.” Renly chuckled.

“If you don’t like her, I don’t like her. And if I don’t like her, how can I trust her with a normal plant? Normal plants need care.” Loras absently stroked a finger over the petals of a nearby tulip. “We’re like an animal shelter, Renly. You wouldn’t give a kitten to someone who wouldn’t feed it. We have a duty to the well-being of our plants.”  
The sincerity in his voice made Renly falter and something warmed in the pit of his stomach. These plants were Loras’ babies. It was flat-out adorable. He was seriously considering asking Loras there and then if he wanted to go try make some human babies.

Loras looked up suddenly and pulled his hand away. Jumping slightly, Renly desperately hoped that he hadn’t said that out loud. He glanced sideways and ran his hand through his hair, but Loras didn’t say anything so he guessed he was okay. Their eyes met and the heat in his stomach spread as Loras peered at him from under his fringe again, his expression one of coy embarrassment.

Without breaking eye-contact, Loras took his wrist, wrapping long calloused gardener’s fingers around it and pulling it closer. Renly’s breath hitched, as the tiny cactus was placed in his palm, his hand instinctively closing around it.

“No matter how hard she tries to neglect it, that little guy will just keep on living!” Loras grinned and let go on Renly’s wrist. It burned at the sudden absence of touch, making Renly start, but Loras didn’t seem to notice. He turned and led Renly back the way they’d come, chattering about this plant and that flower with relentless contagious enthusiasm.

They reached the tills and Loras stepped up behind the counter.

“Would sir like any of his items gift-wrapping today?” asked Loras as he bent behind the counter, bringing out a selection of ribbons and an industrial sized cellotape.

“That would be exceptionally helpful, thank you.” Renly inclined his head slightly and handed the cactus over. As he watched Loras artfully bind the tiny plant in glittery lilac cellophane, he was gripped by a small wave of nausea. He’d never see Loras again. This was it. This was over. The warmth in his stomach turned cold and painful. He needed to see him again.

He could ask for his number! He should just ask for his number. If he was right and Loras was interested, what did he possibly have to lose? But then what if he was wrong? He’d been wrong before. What if Loras was like this with everyone? What if it was just what he was like, just how he made a sale? It had worked after all. Charm the unsuspecting customer and all that. What if he’d completely misread the situation, it wouldn’t be the first time. Renly was not good at this kind of thing. What if Loras didn’t even like men, let alone Renly himself?

“There you go sir.” Loras pushed the tiny cactus across the counter towards him. “How would sir like to pay? Card?” Renly couldn’t do it. He couldn’t just ask for his number. What if he freaked him out?

“Renly?”

He tore his eyes away from the tiny glittery cactus and looked up at Loras.

“Um yeah card please,” he smiled shakily.

“Just pop your pin in here for me?” Loras covered his eyes dramatically as Renly paid for the plant. The machine beeped and Loras whipped out his card and returned it to him with a flourish.

“We thank you for your patronage sir and do hope you’ll call again soon.” Loras winked as Renly turned to go, still fighting an internal war that Loras didn’t seem to notice.

“Bye bye my little flower!” Renly heard as the automatic doors slid open in front of him. He turned and waved the little cactus back at its old owner as he stepped through into the foyer. Just as he was about to reply, the words:

“And goodbye tiny cactus!” followed him through the closing doors.


	2. Hearteater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No actual Lorenly contact in this chapter, so I apologise for that.
> 
> Just so ya know:  
> \- Brienne and Jaime are in an established relationship  
> \- Cersei's children aren't Jaime's, but they're also not necessarily Robert's. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Renly almost hadn’t given the cactus to Cersei. Every time he looked at it on the windowsill, he saw a beautifully painful snapshot of what might have been, and he nearly hadn’t been able to give that up. He’d lain on the sofa that afternoon, snuggie pulled up to his chin, cradling his tub of Ben and Jerry’s like a new-born, (it was his second tub in as many hours,) trying desperately to think of a different gift that he could get a short notice. But as he’d aimlessly spooned his ice cream for about the fiftieth time before letting it drip back down into the tub, he’d realised keeping tiny cactus was going to be far too painful for both of them. The little guy had a job to do, and who was Renly to stand in the way of something as powerful as destiny. He’d already managed that once this week and look how that had ended. Also, if he was being honest, he couldn’t really be bothered to go find another present. The first one had caused him enough trouble.

So he’d dragged himself up from the depths of his sofa, cast off his snuggie like a shroud of misery and darkness, poured himself a finger of whiskey and had gone to get changed for the damned party.

Twenty minutes later and he was good to go. He called for a taxi, and while he was waiting, he and tiny cactus had a moment to say goodbye. He thanked tiny cactus for everything and wished him well on his mission. Tiny cactus sat proudly in his sparkly purple cloak of honour and courage and Renly was pretty sure the sentiment was returned. He smiled briefly, then turned to go. Their chariot awaited.   

As he sat in the taxi, tiny cactus in his lap, he wished he’d downed more whiskey. He saw the taxi driver looking at him in the mirror, so he looked away as quickly as he could, but it was too late. He’d broken the first rule - don’t make eye-contact.

“That’s a… shiny gift you’ve got there. For someone special is it?” the cabbie raised his eyebrows. Renly nearly cried.

Luckily just then they pulled up at the house. He handed over his money as quickly as humanly possible and all but dived from the car.  He waited for it to leave, then ran a hand through his hair and started towards the house.

It stood tall and skinny before him, oozing pretentiousness and self-importance. They say dogs grow to look like their owners, Renly guessed that must be true for houses too. The hedges lining the front path were adorned with golden fairy lights strewn about in the most artfully random way, and a row of coloured candles stood like pretty little soldiers before the front step. Renly did his best not to set fire to his shoes as he stepped over them.

Robert and Ned stood chatting in the hallway, under a giant canvas painting of a naked baby Joffrey. Ned was showing Robert something on his i-pad, and it was clearly amusing, because Robert was suddenly guffawing and spraying wine everywhere.

“Who do I need to see about this fire hazard?” Renly shut the door behind him.

They both looked up at the sound of his voice. Ned nodded a greeting, but Robert could never be expected to show such self-control. Renly just had time to move away from anything breakable before Robert launched himself at him.

“RENLY! YOU CAME!” he dragged him into a bone crushing hug. “Cersei.” He jabbed him lightly in the chest, “will be. So. So. so glad to see you!” He was only swaying _slightly_ so that was a good thing Renly supposed.

“Started early I see.” He pushed Robert away slightly, and Ned came over to help lead him back into the house.

“No. No no no no no. This, my dear boy, is my first glass.” Renly doubted that was his first bottle let alone his first glass.

“Hi Ned, how’s business?” Renly asked as he and Ned propped Robert up between them and headed to one of the living rooms.

“Not _too_ bad. There’s trouble down here at the moment, suspected embezzlement.”

“Hmm I wondered why you were down south.” Renly pushed the door open with his foot and lead them in.

Cersei was sat on the chaise longue, straight backed, champagne flute in hand. She looked up as they stumbled in, her face falling and posture stiffening further. She’d just been presented with an enormous gift, from Joffrey he supposed, from the way his nephew was standing to the side of her, beaming like the maniac Renly was very sure he was.

She pulled gently at the ribbon on top, probably expecting it to fall away gracefully like in an advert, but of course it didn’t. So she abandoned that tactic and tried to peel off the cellotape instead.

“For God’s sake woman! Could you be any more inefficient? Just tear the damn thing open.” Tywin Lannister sat in the armchair by the fire. Glass of port dangling from his thumb and forefinger. He looked at Renly like something nasty on the bottom of his shoe, then turned his attention back to his daughter.

She’d managed to get the paper off, and was now trying desperately to contain her disgust. Before her sat a bird cage, about two foot tall and rather beautiful, no doubt real gold. But within it sat the offending item. It was the largest bird Renly had ever seen in real life. An enormous cockatoo with a blue and yellow plumage. Or at least it had had a blue and yellow plumage. When it was alive.

The bird had been stuffed, clearly by an amateur, into a grotesque monstrosity. Its head was larger on one side than the other, one of its eyes bulging hideously, and whoever had created it obviously wasn’t aware that birds’ legs bent backwards, so it had repulsive replicas of human legs protruding from its body.

Ah yes. Taxidermy. That was Joffrey’s new pastime. Cersei had organised it in a bid to stop him taking out his frustration on live animals. And here was her reward. Renly had been outdone. And he couldn’t have been happier.

“Wow, Joff. It’s… it’s…” She blinked.

“It’s extraordinary! That’s quite a talent you’ve got there my boy.” Tywin came to her rescue.

Joffrey smiled his sick little smile and opened the cage. “I call him Hearteater.” He stroked the top of his creation’s head. Renly would have said stroked it lovingly, had his nephew been capable of love.

An uncomfortable silence descended upon the room. Everyone with simply staring in horror at Joffrey’s creation.

Renly started towards his sister-in-law. “Happy Birthday Sis!”

She turned towards him, her expression morphing from one of abject horror and shock to one of mild displeasure.  She rose to meet him “Renly. To what do I owe this pleasure.”

They kissed on both cheeks and he handed her tiny cactus. He wished him a silent farewell.

“My, Uncle. What a _flamboyant_ gift!” Joffrey let his hand go limp at the wrist and flopped it at Renly. Everyone did their best to ignore him. Although Renly knew Tywin would have smirked, had smiling been a thing he did.

Cersei unwrapped the purple sparkly cellophane, to reveal tiny cactus in all his little spikey glory. Renly smiled, partly at the memories of the last time he saw tiny cactus naked, and partly at Cersei’s face. It had a sort of cat’s arse look about it.

“And I thought your sort had good taste, Uncle.” Joffrey now had Hearteater perched on his shoulder, like a deranged pirate. But the backward legs had affected its centre of balance and it was threatening to topple.

Cersei turned to her son, “Joffrey. Put that away. If it falls it’ll break something.” Then back to Renly “Thank you Renly. It’s… delightful. It can have pride of place on the mantelpiece in the back room. Next to Joffrey’s… gift.”

“His name. Is Hearteater.”

“Yes dear, well please take Hearteater to the back room with Renly’s gift. We don’t want him to get damaged do we?”

Ah, the back room. Where only the very worst gifts went. If Renly remembered correctly, most of the room was taken up by a life sized statue of Robert as Michelangelo’s David, that Ned had gotten him on his stag-do. Renly wouldn’t have been surprised if one day that room mysteriously caught fire in a freak accident that completely failed to affect any other part of the house.

Tiny cactus had served his purpose well.

 

*** *** *** ***

 

Renly missed tiny cactus. At least that’s what he’d decided the problem was. He’d barely moved from the sofa since Cersei’s party, except once when he’d gone to Tesco’s to get more ice cream. Oh and work, he’d gone to work. But work was good, work was distracting. Usually anyway. The other day he’d royally fucked up an important meeting with _Martell Inc._ because he’d been so distracted. They’d lost the contract and it had all been his fault. Stannis had yelled at him, asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing, and sent him home to ‘rest’.

That had been Monday and now Wednesday had rolled around and Renly was still stuck to the sofa, moping like his life depended on it. He’d been through three tubs of Ben and Jerry’s and was currently rewatching Merlin in its entirety.

Somewhere during the third series, there was a knock on the door. Renly pulled his snuggie up over his head and hoped whoever it was would get the message.

_Bzzzzzzzzzzz_ Something vibrated too close to something _personal_ and Renly nearly fell off the sofa as he scrambled to get away.

_Bzzzzzzzzzzz_ It vibrated again, and he managed to locate his phone between the cushions. ‘Tarth Brienne’ flashed up onscreen. He let it buzz again, then swiped to answer.

“Mmm.” He couldn’t be bothered with actual words.

“Renly?”

“Mmm.”

“Open the door.”

He pulled his snuggie up to his chin.

“Are you really going to leave me on the doorstep with my infant son?”

Renly dragged himself off the sofa, put his snuggie on backward like a cape and went to the door. “It’s a block of flats. It’s not like you’re actually outside.” He was still talking into his phone as he opened it.

Brienne stood in the doorway, with Podrick’s carrycase in one hand and a Tupperware full of what looked like lasagne in the other. Renly wondered briefly how she’d managed to hold her phone.

“I’ve heard you’re ill.” She had to duck to get through the door.

“I am. I’m basically dying.” He led her through to the kitchen.

“Oh yeah? What from? Not showering?”

“Ahahaha. Do you know who’s funny Pod? Your mother. She’s bloody hilarious.”

“Don’t’ swear in front of him! He’s at a very impressionable age.” Brienne set Podrick down in his travel seat and unloaded the lasagne and salad. Renly had almost forgotten what vegetables looked like.

“You going to tell me what’s actually wrong or do I have to drag it out of you?”

Renly aggressively filled the kettle, keeping his back to Brienne. “Podrick? You want anything? Tea? Coffee?”

Podrick stared at him. Renly turned back to the kettle and took some mugs down from the cupboard. He’d inherited Brienne’s sense of humour it appeared.

“I’ll have tea thanks.” She nudged him out the way of the sink so she could wash the cucumber.

Renly poured the tea. “So how are the plans for the christening going?”

Brienne began chopping the cucumber with slightly more force than was strictly necessary. “Urgh I don’t even know, I wanted it to just be a tiny private thing like my dad Jaime’s dad, Tyrion, maybe Cersei.” Renly winced at the cucumber and felt a brief pang of pity for Jaime.

“You mean I’m not even invited?” He pressed a hand to his heart and made his lip wobble slightly.

Brienne just looked at him. She looked exactly like Podrick. “I asked you, and you told me specifically that you wouldn’t come. Under any circumstances you said.”

“Hmm yeah I did say that didn’t I.” He set her tea down on the counter next to her. “What can I say I’m a busy guy, you need to book me in advance”

“Mmhm. How many episodes of, what is that?” She glanced at the TV in the living room and saw Arthur and Merlin in a mildly compromising position. She raised her eyebrows at him. “How many episodes of Merlin have you seen today Mr socialite?”

Renly huffed and sipped his tea.

Brienne chucked the cucumber slices into the salad bowl. “Anyway you’re coming now because Jaime is inviting the world and its mother. Seriously like anyone we’ve ever met is coming.”

“What? even Joffrey?”

An unfortunate tomato was next to feel the wrath of Brienne. “Yes. Even Joffrey.”

“But if he’s goes in a church he might burst into flames.”

Brienne blinked at him again.

“Alright, but you’ve got everything else sorted I suppose? Like the wake or reception thing or whatever it’s called.”

“Again there wasn’t going to be one, and now I’ve got to get everything done in a week.”  She tipped the lasagne out into a dish. “And of course Jaime can’t help because he’s busy training or something.”

Renly opened the oven door for her and she threw the lasagne in with gay abandon.

“Hey come on you organised Robert’s wedding basically single-handedly. And you had his ridiculous ideas like sky diving and whatever and Cersei’s extortionate demands to deal wit

“Yeah, but that was different.”

“The woman wanted diamond encrusted placemats.”

Brienne smiled briefly over the top of her mug. “I had more than three hours sleep a night back then.”

Renly looked at Pod. He was sleeping. “He doesn’t look evil.”

“Oh no he’s adorable now. Because he’s sleeping. But this is what he does. Sleeps during the day and turns demon child at night.”

They both sipped their tea.

Renly had nothing to suggest. “So what have still you got to get?”

She went to check on the lasagne. “Try, everything? A venue, food, drinks, all that crap.”

He gasped, “You swore! You massive hypocrite!”

“Oh whatever, he’s sleeping, he can’t hear me.” She looked at Podrick, just for a moment, but when she looked back up there was a warm fuzzy smile on her face. “So yeah there’s the venue, food and drink, decorations.”

Renly jumped up, sloshing tea on himself. “Decorations? Like what? Like flowers?”

Suspicion clouded Brienne’s features. “Um I was thinking more table cloths.” She sipped her tea. “We weren’t really going to do flowers. Bloody Joffrey’s allergic and you know how he gets. We were gonna do that thing you know where you get people to donate any flower money to charity.”

“Isn’t that for funerals?”

She gave him the look.

“Wouldn’t it be worth it though, just to piss Joffrey off. You never know he might not even be able to come for fear of a sneeze attack. You could get rid of him. And create a nice spring feel. Two birds with one stone huh.

Brienne flashed him a small rare smile.

“Look I’ll organise it and pay for them and then everyone else can still donate. Think of it as my gift to Pod.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Mmhm, so this is an entirely selfless act.”

He shrugged and she sighed. “Alright if you’re organising it all. I suppose it would be nice to get rid of Joffrey. But how come you’re so desperate for flowers, you hate nature. You said anything green is the work of the devil. Including salad.”

“Maybe I’ve just learnt to appreciate the natural beauty around me.” He winked at her.

“Are you flirting with me? Because you know I’m flattered and all but I’m married. And mostly happily at that. As long as he doesn’t expect me to organise massive parties at a week’s notice.” She sipped her tea again. “Where are you even going to get these flowers from?”

Renly took out the cutlery and went to lay the kitchen table. “I know a place.”


	3. Festive Jungle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so so so super sorry it's taken so long! I've been insanely busy, but we're back on track now woo.  
> As always - Enjoy!

Renly was absolutely shitting himself. He was used to gambling millions on risky investments and chancy business deals, but this was a whole different kettle of fish. Where money is lost more money can be made, but here his piece of mind was the wager and that made him deeply uncomfortable.

He drifted aimlessly from lane to lane, occasionally swerving to avoid oncoming traffic, his mind far away. Well, not that far away, about five miles down the road. He turned right as Betty the satnav instructed and his stomach did a little flip, which he did not appreciate. Even this mildly incapacitating sense of dread that was refusing to vacate his already fragile mind wasn’t enough to drown out his absurdly intense excitement as the mini Tesco slipped past the window. Betty binged at him to tell him to slow the fuck down (she had such a potty mouth), this was a thirty zone, forty five was not acceptable. He grudgingly obliged for all of two seconds, before a garish neon sign loomed into view. It felt like coming home.

Dropping down to second gear, Renly pulled into the car park. He briefly considered pulling up in a disabled space, but then remembered he wasn’t actually a horrible human being. Or a criminal. So he reversed it into the closest possible legal space, in a spectacular manoeuvre that he knew he couldn’t recreate if he tried. Before practically throwing himself from the car, forgetting to put the handbrake on and having to dive back in when it started to roll. Having just had a brush with death, Renly gave himself a moment to calm down and figure out what he was actually doing. It had all been a bit of a blur so far, especially considering he’d been going well past the speed limit for most of the journey. He put his phone, keys and wallet on top of the car, rested his elbows on the roof and his head on his forearms and just had a little breathe.

What would he say to Loras? _Hey dude sorry I completely ignored your advances but I am interested honest. I’m just completely immune to hints. Wanna go catch a movie?_  He could do this. He could take the bloody lead for a change. He could make the first move, take the initiative. He could invite Loras out…

Or… Or he could just play it slow. He could just bide his time, there was no hurry. He could let Loras make the first move. He didn’t want to scare him off or anything, didn’t want to make him feel pressured.

Yeah, that made more sense. He was only really here to buy flowers for Pod’s christening anyway. Why complicate things?

He took one last deep breath, checked his car was locked, shoved his phone and wallet into his jacket pocket, congratulated himself on actually remembering his jacket and then set off towards the entrance. The doors slid open and a jet of hot air hit him full in the face. He undid the top button on his jacket and glanced around, looking for the heater so he could glare at it.

Inside it was darker than he remembered, the main lights had been softened and the shelves were draped in tinsel and fairy lights. It was a festive jungle – all sparkles and magic and entirely impenetrable. A stray paper chain brushed the side of Renly’s face, making him flinch. It was only just November. What the hell were these people playing at? Renly turned his collar up against the Christmas cheer and continued on his way.

The paper chains were obviously homemade bless them; they were podgy in places and lanky in others, no link cut the same as another. Renly suddenly had a vision of Loras eagerly snipping up strips of paper, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth in earnest concentration. Hmm, Loras’ perfect little tongue… poking out… poking out between Loras’ beautiful… soft lips… Okaaaay. Renly turned his collar back down. Had it suddenly become unbearably hot or was that just him?

He strode on again, parting tinsel and paper chains like Moses and the red sea. Except Moses had had an aim, a destination in mind. Renly had no idea where he was going, or if he was even going in a straight line. A good minute had passed and so far he’d seen nothing he recognised. Where was Loras? Or any other human being for that matter. He reached for a piece of fringed gold streamer that he was pretty sure he’d seen before, and pushed it aside, stumbling through the gap he’d made. Finally he was free! He’d reached a clearing of sorts with the tills at the centre and various pimped out and glammed up trees round the edges.

A pretty mousy haired girl was knelt by one on the opposite side of the makeshift glade, lining up Santa gnomes at its base. Where was Loras? Renly hoped he hadn’t been fired for flirting with customers or something. The girl looked up and Renly realised he was staring. She started slightly when she saw him, but managed to cover it well. She rose from where she’d been kneeling, in one swift and elegant movement that Renly couldn’t figure out the logistics of, and sort of glided towards him on a carpet of grace and sophistication, smiling a smile that didn’t _look_ forced but that definitely said ‘oop, here’s another crazy’.

She inclined her head in greeting “Hi there, is there anything I can do for you today? Anything in particular you’re looking for?” she was so suave Renly felt slightly intimidated. He kind of missed being beaten about the head. There was a certain charm to it.

“Um no not really,” _besides Loras anyway_ “no wait yes actually, I’m in charge of the flowers for my friend’s son’s christening.”

She nodded ever so slightly in reply, her eyes roaming his body, drinking him in. They settled briefly on his wrist, widened slightly then snapped back up to meet his own. Renly shrank back slightly on instinct and pulled his jacket sleeve down over his Rolex.

Her smile became real then, “Ah Christenings! Such wonderful celebrations! The first time a baby gets to be the centre of attention hmm, the first time they get to feel really special!” She took his hand and led him down one of the jungle paths. “These down this way are particularly popular for christenings and baby showers.” They turned a corner, “You know you can never have too many flowers at a christening, especially now winter is coming. They really brighten the place up, you know. Symbolise new life don’t they and what’s a newer life than a baby, am I right?” They carried on down the aisle, leaving a flurry of tinsel in their wake.

“Do you want me to, like, describe him to you?”

She blinked, “Um, if you’d like? Why? Do you want me to match the flowers to his complexion? Because a photo would be easier, but I can give it a shot from a description?”

“No no, I mean like describe our relationship.”

“Okaay, Why? Are you the godfather? Are you gonna make me an offer I cant refuse?” she giggled and patted his arm.

He smiled politely, “Um no, not quite.”

“Are you the FATHER?” her voice dripped liquid scandal and she latched somehow gracefully onto his arm. 

Renly barked a laugh, “Nooo no no no! Definitely not!”

She sighed and pressed herself to his side, “Oh, I do hope you don’t think me an awful gossip, but I just can’t stand being out the loop.” She grinned at him again and he couldn’t help but grin back as he gently removed her from his side.

She motioned to the shelves they’d arrived at.  

“Taadaaa! Here, is our baby range! Quite a spring feel, don’t you think? Quite fresh, quite vibrant.”

The aisle was lined entirely with flowers in various shades of off white. Renly squinted against the glare. It was like a hideous snowy paradise.

“We’d usually suggest picking a combination of three types, and then we put them together for you.” The girl patted him gently on the shoulder, “Shall I leave you to browse? Just let me know if you make a decision or you need any advice or anything!”

And with a flick of her hair and regal little wave, she was off back inside the shop, probably to finish stacking her gnomes. There had been no explanation of the perfect christening flowers, no descriptions of the different flowers or what type of baby they’d suit. The aisle and Renly’s soul were left empty.

That woman had been lovely, yes, a perfectly charming salesperson, but Renly had bitten the clumsy bumbling sales assistant fruit. The sales assistant with the smile and the eyebrows and the ridiculous knowledge and love of naturey stuff. And there was no way he could ever go back now. No other sales technique would ever work on him again.

He had no idea what he was doing. Every single flower looked the same, like creamy petals with a green stick bit and, like, leaves. He grabbed three random flowers and headed back to the till, fighting his way through the sparkles and happiness once more and desperately hoping he’d remembered the right route.

Eventually he found the clearing, emerging dazed into the open. He wondered briefly if this was merely a mirage and he was going to be trapped in the Christmas nature maze forever more. But then the girl popped out from behind a bedazzled cactus.  She looked at him quizzically as he stumbled towards the till.

“So you only wanted carnations?”

He looked down at the flowers on the desk. “Wait what these are the same flower?”

“Uh yeah, they’re all carnations. Is that, not what you were looking for? She raised one perfect eyebrow.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “To be honest, I have no idea what I’m looking for.”

She grinned at him, “Urbanite are we sir?”

Again he couldn’t help but grin back. “Renly please, call me Renly.” Renly said in what he hoped was a confident and suave way like what they said on the telly.

Her eyes widened in a kind of curious alarm. He’d kind of assumed he hadn’t been as suave as he’s intended, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t actually been offensive.

She bit her lip slightly, "That’s an unusual name… Renly."  

"What can I say, I got it for my birthday." He shrugged and shuffled his feet about a bit. 

She bit back a smile and held out her hand, numerous rings pointing skyward, glistening different colours as the fairy lights changed.

"I'm Margaery."

Was this like... Was he ... meant to kiss it, or? He took her hand it, went to kiss it then chickened out and sort of wiggled it up and down.

She laughed then, a beautiful tinkling little sound, all birdsong and bells. Then held up a finger for him to please wait a moment, before disappearing behind the counter.

Renly had about a second to wonder what was happening before she popped back up, some form of scrapbook in her hand and a wicked a smile on her face. She lifted the latch bit of the counter and crooked her finger at him to join her.

He gulped. This was unfamiliar territory to say the least: lost in magical maze of Christmas and nature, being tempted into an employees only area when he wasn't even an employee(!) Renly had to wonder when he'd lost all regard rules and regulations and had become okay with being coerced into confined naturey spaces with highly enthusiastic people, but there was something familiar about this girl that was putting him weirdly at ease.

When his first tentative step raised no alarms, Renly slipped through and squidged himself in beside her. She let the counter fall and popped the scrapbook down in front of them.

"Are customers allowed round here?" he shifted edgily. It really was rather cramped. And off limits.

"Yeah sure, who’d tell on us anyway? The gnomes?" She winked, eyes bright and mischievous and eerily familiar.

They both looked down at the scrapbook as she turned to the first page, and Renly suddenly realised why he recognised her. There, filling the page was a large photo of Margaery and Loras smiling the same smile that reached their matching eyes, their matching noses wrinkling in unison. Now he looked he couldn't not see the Lorasness to her. If you took Loras and polished him up a bit, maybe took out the endearing clumsy and replaced it with obvious charm, you'd have Margaery. 

He realised he'd been staring at the photo, probably with his best gorm face on, and glanced sheepishly back at Margaery. She was studying him, amusement and intrigue clear in her expression.

"My brother and I put together this scrapbook, it basically has all the biggest and best events we've worked at. There are a couple of pretty snazzy christenings and baby showers in here, if you fancy a gander." 

"Oh yeah... great, thanks." he cleared his throat and looked back at the photo. So where was Loras now? Renly flinched internally, god he sounded desperate. He felt Margaery watching him again, she must have noticed his reaction. Oh well, may as well take the plunge then. In for a penny in for a pound and all that. He cleared his throat again and noted Margaery's eyes widen at the potential gossip he was about to provide her with. 

"So um..." he let his weight shift backward slightly and stared stubbornly down at the photo, refusing to meet her blumming expectant eyes. 

"So, where's your brother today?" Margaery moved beside him, practically oozing smugness. Renly continued, "Seems kinda mean of him leaving you here alone with the workload." he peered out from under his eyebrows. 

Margaery blinked at him, eyebrows raised as she tried desperately to keep her knowing grin under control. "I know! I've been so unbelievably busy, I've had to stack like twelve Santa gnomes. On my own might I add. And then I had to deal with this hopeless townie customer who doesn’t know his carnations from his chrysanthemums."

Renly took his turn at trying not to smile as he narrowed his eyes at her. 

"Loras only works the floor on Saturdays now, he spends most of the week in like accounts and meetings and deals and shit. We're trying to expand you see. Though I know he'd much rather be out here with his nature and his customers." She winked again and Renly felt a blush creep up his neck, like a ridiculous school girl confessing her crush to her bestie. 

"Oh.... um, right yeah that's, I'm sure that's annoying for him." 

Now she was just looking at him, kindness in her eyes. His blush crept further up into his cheeks and he tried to look away. After a good long deeply uncomfortable moment she decided to take pity on him and break the silence. 

"So these are the shots from our most recent christening, did you want something similar or?"

This looked expensive. And difficult. Like it would take a long time to organise. Like maybe he’d have to come back a few times to check how it was going. Certainly he’d have to come back next Saturday. To pick it all up.

He smiled what he reckoned was a fairly suspicious smile. 

Margaery wasn't sure if she'd missed something. He'd been dying of embarrassment just a moment ago. "Is that a yes?"

"Oh yeah yeah no definitely this’ll be perfect. So should I come and pick it all up? Saturday perhaps? Or is Saturday too late?"

She began rooting around in a draw behind them. "No, no, don’t worry we do free deliveries."  

FREE DELIEVERIES. This was just getting better. He was literally going to have Loras delivered to him. 

Margaery popped back up with a form and a pen and took note of his slightly creepy excitement at the prospect of parting with a great deal of hard earned cash.  

"And you can pop back any time this week if you like to check up on them."

Ahahahaha. Win.

"Do you want to fill out one of our forms with your contact details and stuff, then we can let you know how it’s going… and send you the bill."

Renly mentally glossed over the last comment and filled out the form. 

She took back the form and pen and he wondered briefly if she'd like the shirt off his back too from the amount of money she'd just swindled from him. 

"Thank you very much Renly. We’ll get straight on to your order as soon as I've finished stacking these bloody Santa gnomes." she undid the latch to let him out again. "Anything else I can help you with? Flowers for a special someone or anything?"

Renly snorted.

She jotted something down on his form, _was she taking notes?_ All he could see were three exclamation marks and a manic smiley face. She saw him looking and shoved the form in a filing cabinet behind her.

He cleared his throat, “Right, I’ll be on my way then. Thanks again!”

“No problem! As long as you’re sure you’re okay for tiny flora.” She enjoyed tormenting him it seemed.

Her innocent look was about as good as her dealing with a crazy smile.

“No no I’m fine thank you. Ba-Bye now.” He kept his straight face for all of two seconds as he turned away so that by the time he got back to his car he had the biggest shit- eating grin you’ve ever seen plastered to his face.

 *** *** *** *** 

As Renly parked his car, his phone buzzed gently in his pocket. It was the email buzz like bz-bzzz-bzz, so nothing special. Probably Stannis demanding some random figures for some deal that he hadn’t even looked at yet. Sighing dejectedly, he brought it up on screen.

 

> DEAR SIR,
> 
> THANK YOU FOR PLACING YOUR ORDER WITH US TODAY.
> 
> IT’S OUR PLEASURE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR PLANT BASED NEEDS.
> 
> PLEASE DO LET US KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY PROBLEMS WITH OR CHANGES YOU’D LIKE TO MAKE TO YOUR ORDER.
> 
> (MAYBE GIVE ME A BELL ON MY (PRIVATE ;)) NUMBER, IT’S LISTED BELOW)
> 
> YOURS LORAS (GRANDSON) TYRELL

 

The phone hit the ground and Renly didn’t even notice. He was too busy trying to remember how to breathe.


	4. Game of Phones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE (nearly two months late...) What who said that??  
> Enjoy xxx

Renly’s vision had started to darken round the edges before he’d remembered the whole in out, in out, inhale exhale thing. He’d probably only been there twenty seconds, but it’d felt like hours, standing in a blind panic forgetting to breathe. Shock can do that to a guy after all. But then again he'd never been much of a swimmer, or an athlete of any kind really, so it didn’t really take much to knock him out.

Pfft. Who needed to be able to swim when they had what he had – a natural allure lesser men could only dream of. He may not be able to run 100m without passing out but he sure could work the ol’ charisma, charm the socks off a centipede an all that.  

He had a phone number, a private phone number at that. This was a proper thing now right? Loras had basically just asked him out. In a sort of formal, transactional way perhaps but it was definitely something. He felt positively melty.

But now he had to reply. With like, words. Shit, what was he supposed to say? Like a bus the reality of the situation hit him and he suddenly remembered why he didn’t do this often.

But Loras had made the first move, so at least the uncertainty was over. He mostly knew where he stood. _So text him back._ Just press some buttons = easy. _Just do it. What’s stopping you?_ Well apart from absurd cowardly cowardice, when one wishes to send a text message, one usually requires a phone. And Renly’s was currently lying face-down on the pavement. Fuck sake.

Don't get an iPhone they'd said. It'll just break they'd said. Breathe too heavily during a call and you'll crack the screen. Get a bit too excited on flappy bird and it’ll just snap straight in two. It’s programmed to last a month tops and with you, Renly, lord of clumsiness, as its owner it'll be dead within the week.

Well it'd lasted _two_ months so suck on that h8ers. And if Renly was the lord of clumsiness then there was an email on that phone from the king of clumsiness. An email from the beautiful, adorable king of clumsiness that Renly would never be able to bloody answer. At least until he got home to his laptop in about ten minutes time.

Ah fuck it. He knelt to pick it up, stealing himself before he turned it over to assess the damage. He'd bound it in all the industrial strength protective cases and screen covers and marketing ploys under the sun, knowing they probably did fuck all in reality, but not brave enough to stick it to The Man and go without.

Closing his eyes, he flipped it. Nothing fell off or out so that was a good sign. He dragged one eye open, ever fearful, and rightfully so. There was a spectacular crack straight down the front of the screen. _Fuck fuck fuckity fuck_.

Thwarted again. It seemed fate, or at least technology, was determined to keep them apart. If it wasn't automatic doors coming between them it was shattered phone screens. Now he wouldn't be able to swiftly tap out that witty little reply he’d already cooked up in his witty little head. What. A. Shame.

Oh the inner turmoil. Never before had someone felt so equally relieved and distraught at the untimely demise of their phone. On the one hand the Casanova in him was telling him it was customary to wait a short while, perhaps three hours before replying to such a social email or text, especially one of the, um, romantic persuasion. But then his business brain was kindly reminding him that it was very rude and often risky to delay when it came to transactions. Time is money and all that.

He clicked the back button in blind hope, and praise be to heaven above the screen lit up. Tiny cactus displayed upon it in all his spikey glory. It was still working, he could still reply. Hurray! Yes. Reply. Right then… He tapped out a message, trying his best to avoid the shards of screen.

Brienne replied almost immediately to his desperate plea for assistance. She didn’t often deign to dirty herself in the scandals of others, and certainly couldn’t be described as a gossip (not like some PAs Renly could mention – Varys, with that bloody blog he had. The ‘spider’s web’ it was called). But developments in Renly’s love life were so rare even she couldn’t help herself.

<How is this the first I’m hearing of this?? Um? Text him?!!

Oh Brienne and your fountain of wisdom, bless you. He often wondered if she truly did think him stupid or if she was just one of those people who like to state the obvious. He suspected the former. She was a woman of few words.

>Oh, see, I was gonna fax him or maybe tie a little scroll to raven’s leg or something but if you’re sure. TEXT HIM WHAT YOU BASTARD

The pressure was getting to him. He had no idea what he was doing. In the game of phones you either win or you get slightly humiliated.

<There’s no need to use that tone with me young man. How about ‘hi’

>Oh yeah that’s good that is, I like that. Sort of casual. Okay I’m on it

<Keep me posted! I want all the gory details.

Hi. Yes that was a good idea. And his phone was still working so there wasn't really anything stopping him. He could reply. Right now. Right this second.

Ooh but he might get glass in his thumb from the screen or something… Sure, he'd been fine a moment ago messaging Brienne, but the possibility was still there. Would Loras really want him to risk his health? Hmm probably not. He could wait ten more minutes. Loras would understand.

*** *** *** ***

It was as good half hour before he finally arrived home laden with co-op bags. They'd had an offer on ready-meals for one that he couldn't pass up on. And then he'd found the wine aisle and had gotten a tad distracted. Still he was home now, so he could get on with it. No harm done.

He ditched the bags on the table and faceplanted the sofa, legs propped up on the arm, feet in the air and face buried deep amongst the cushions. Hopefully the blood would run to his head and encourage any charismatic brain cells he might have to get their arses in gear.

So far he had ‘hi’. That was a good start, but then what next? He flipped himself over with the grace of a beached whale, took out his phone and stared at it. He tried staring quizzically, hoping if he looked like he was thinking he might actually have some thoughts, but none came. So he tried staring aggressively, so as to scare the thoughts into existence, but to no avail. So he gave up and stared forlornly instead, before dropping the phone on his face. Oop glass in the eye. What an experience.

It was no use. He was going to have to draft this. Where was that bloody laptop? He couldn't be expected to compose this to a decent standard with the correct mix playful frivolity and sexual allure if he didn’t have a physical keyboard under his fingertips.

He dug the laptop out from between sofa cushions, various papers and various snuggies (yes he had more than one. In different colours.) and set it up on the coffee table in front of him. Right. Yes. To work… But he never usually started work without a cuppa.

By the time he’d gotten his working environment set up just so, typed out approximately seven billion drafts, saved them all to separate documents, compared them all accordingly and settled on the second one he’d written, he’d managed to waste three hours.  

He'd eventually decided on:

>Hi Loras, This is Renly Baratheon.

But then he'd decided it was slightly formal so had added

>How is the order going? :)

A smiley face! What was he playing at? Had he lost all self-control? Renly enjoyed a cheeky flirt as much as the next man, but this was borderline insanity.

There was a pause. He decided to go make some more tea. But then a reply flashed on screen. He screamed internally. And then also a bit externally. Running high on caffeine courage, he opened it.

<Hey Renly!!!!! So sorry I missed you today! You’re like bus! I didn’t even know you existed and then you show up twice in as many weeks!

<Oh no wait that’s not like buses is it? I knew buses existed…

<Anyway yeah, that’s the company email, so like ANYONE can read it. Gran, Margaery (she says hi btw) ANYONE. I swear there is zero privacy in my family and there are times when a guy needs privacy ya know? ;) that’s why we have private messaging I guess!

<Anyway look at me blabbering on, how’s it hangin yo? how was tiny cactus????

Four messages. Four in one go. This was going to be exhausting. Exhausting but bloody fabulous.

>It’s hanging well thank you

<I’ll bet it is ;)

Wait what?

>Tiny cactus put up a good fight but unfortunately he was outdone by an enormous stuffed cockatoo

<Well that’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d read

>It’s not a sentence I ever thought I’d write

Renly felt slightly giddy. Perhaps it was time to start on that wine.

<Touche

>*Touché

<Douché

Renly snorted

>Lol

Oh good god. Lol?? he’d lost all rationality. What was Loras _doing_ to him?

<Sorry didn’t realise you were a grammar Nazi :p Rule with an /iron fist/ do we? ;D

Oh good. He’d spilt wine all over the floor.

>Well, I like things perfect, if that’s what you mean. ;) especially my flowers. But then I guess I don’t need to worry about that anymore.

<Ooh I don’t know, anything might happen. We might accidently use a yellow ribbon on the white chrysanthemums. We might miss out the C in Podrick’s name. Maybe you should pop down on Friday, ya know just to check up on us.

>Well. We don’t want a crisis on our hands do we?

*** *** *** ***

The messages trickled on through for the rest of the week keeping him sane, as he waited for Friday to crawl around. He lived in a perpetual state of angsty desperation and giddy delight. Renly was falling fast and falling hard.

They’d spend the days sneaking texts between meetings and during tea breaks, then in the evenings they’d share woeful tales of their miserable days. Loras would complain of concrete and accounts and generally being stuck indoors and Renly would tell how he’d only just managed to resist stabbing Joffrey in the face with a biro or sharp pencil or any other mildly dangerous stationery he could get his hands on.

Joffrey was on work experience with the company for a week. Robert was supposedly grooming him for management and had told everyone he'd be in charge of the little shithead. But then of course Robert only came to work on those rare occasions when there was no alcohol in the house, so Renly and Stannis had gallantly decided to take it upon themselves to supervise their dickbrained nephew, (after more than a few death-glares from their co-workers). And they didn’t get on particularly well without the added psychopathic strain on their relationship. It had been a very trying week.

Joffrey’d been proudly presenting his latest creations - a pair of white mice, to anyone who’d listen. Still his skill had come on leaps and bounds. Now they weren’t disturbing because they were so awful. They were disturbing because of the way he’d managed to beautifully capture pain and anguish on their rodenty little features.

One, Anthony he was called, demonstrated a desolate hopeless sort of pain as he hanged himself with his own tail. Tiny eyes bulging and face contorted into a despairing little scream. Perhaps he’d tried to end it all before Joffrey got to him.

The face of the other was pinched into a look of self-loathing and misery from which  even her pretty pink dress couldn’t comfort her. Her name was apparently Medusa, owing to her interesting hairdo – an impressive replica of Elsa from Frozen’s snazzy plait, made from shredded strips of her own tail. ~~~~

Loras had laughed at that, at Renly’s description of the unfortunate rodents. A warm honey melted butter laugh that seeped into Renly’s veins and clogged his arteries with its rich sweetness.

He was always weary when telling people about Joffrey for the first time, especially potential, ahem, interested parties. But luckily Loras had been one of those who realised that if you weren’t able to laugh at the absurdity of Joffrey’s escapades, you’d be stuck up at night with them haunting your nightmares.

*** *** *** ***

When Friday finally got its arse into gear and decided to show up, Renly had the image of his watch burned onto his retinas. He snuck another look at it as Stannis was wrapping up whatever he'd been giving a presentation on. Renly couldn’t remember a word of it and by the look of the rest of the audience neither could anyone else. If they weren’t bleary eyed like they’d just dragged themselves out of bed, they were looking mildly terrified. There would be a Q and A afterwards and Stannis was not one to inspire loyalty through love, bless him, or through inspirational presentations. He’d gotten where his was by instilling fear in his co-workers.

Renly stole another glance at his watch. Not even a minute had passed and he was ready to explode. Fuck sake, he couldn’t keep still, let alone focus on the presentation. He glanced round the room again and managed to catch Joffrey’s eye accidentally.

He must have let his displeasure show because the boy’s face twisted into a sick smirk that made Renly’s stomach go cold.

Joffrey cleared his throat, making Medusa bob up and down in his breast pocket. He’d obviously decided it’d been too long since he’d heard the sound of his own voice.

“Have somewhere to be do we uncle?”

“What? No.” Renly sat up straight as every pair of eyes in the room turned on him.

“It’s just, you keep checking the time, so I was wondering if you had somewhere else to be.” Joffrey began to pick at his nails, shrouded in an air of calculated indifference. Renly wished he had his biro to hand.

Stannis sighed and raised an eyebrow and Renly did his best not to shrink back as lesser men would do. He quirked an apologetic smile instead, earning only an eye-roll from his brother, who then turned his steel gaze on Joffrey. The poor boy soon crumbled and shrank back, mildly cheering Renly up.

Stannis sighed again and turned back to the PowerPoint.

Oh goddddd was he ever going to get out of here. Six thirty they'd said, well it was ten past now so that wasn't going to bloody happen. Bloody Christmas making everything stressful. Renly could do without it if he was being honest.

He was going to have to text Loras wasn’t he, under the desk like a schoolboy. After having a quick look around just to check no one was watching, he slipped his phone from his pocket. Hoping desperately that he wasn’t about to accidentally summon Siri, he went to open a new message when a rather large shard of glass lodged itself in his thumb. _Fffffffuck_ , he gasped as quietly as he could, trying not to swear out loud and just short of grunting instead. Oh shit it was bleeding. He did his best to tweeze the shard from his bloody digit under the table without drawing attention to himself. A groan escaped him and he screwed his face up against the pain. He really needed to get this phone fixed.

“Good God Uncle what are you doing?”

Renly snapped his head up. Everyone was looking at him - again. Some curious faces, some confused faces and one outright disgusted Joffrey face desperately attempting to disguise its scandalous glee, all staring at him. What was wrong with everyone today?

Renly assessed the situation. Hands under the desk, groaning, screwed up face. Hmm yeah okay perhaps he could see the conclusion people were jumping to.

“I just cut my thumb okay! Look! It got glass in it and I was trying to get it out.” He held up his bloodied thumb and the whole room exhaled in relief. Except Joffrey who looked oddly disappointed.

“Oh well that is a relief Uncle. I realise your sort are “loose” shall we say, but that would have been taking the biscuit, am I right?”

And suddenly everything in the room was more interesting than him and Joffrey as everyone desperately tried to look elsewhere.

_Where the fuck was that biro?_

Stannis sighed again, as if the situation was vexing him greatly, but he should at least try to pacify it in some way.

Renly saved him the troubled. “I'm just going pop to the loo, Stannis, if you'll excuse me. Try and get this glass from my thumb you know.”  And he shot from the room as fast as humanly possible.

One more day of Joffrey, that’s all he had to cope with. The end was in sight. Weekly humiliation over. Now all he had to do was text Loras his condolences.

> Hey really really sorry but I'm stuck in a meeting, just going to have to trust that you can spell Podrick and that you know yellow ribbon is always a terrible idea. Hope that's okay :(

 He just managed to hit send before his phone fizzled and died. For good he suspected.  


	5. Mistletoe and Misunderstandings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, super sorry for the delay. I'm a terrible procrastinator.   
> Also sorry for how annoying Renly is in this chapter.   
> Stick with him though! Only one more to go :O

It was past nine pm when Renly finally got home. The garden centre was long closed and Renly had no idea if Loras had gotten his text or not. All he could do was hope his selfish little phone had managed this one tiny good deed before it had kicked the bucket and gone to cyber heaven, (or more likely cyber hell). Otherwise it was going to look an awful lot like he’d just stood Loras up. Not that it was a date or anything, they were going to a garden centre – to Loras’ place of work, to discuss preparations for a Christening. How romantic. Renly blamed Apple for this. And also Joffrey. It was probably his fault in some way. Things usually were.

Loosening his tie with one hand, Renly went to put the kettle on. He was fucking, fucking miserable and fucking sick of work. It was taking over his whole bloody life and he wasn't sure he could put up with it for much longer. He took a mug down from the cupboard, tossed in a tea bag rather aggressively and wondered briefly if that was some form of treason – taking your anger out on a sacred national drink.

 Sorting out christening flowers had become the height of his week. Maybe even his month. If that wasn't tragic he didn't know what was. 

And now that had been taken from him too.

Well fuck it.

Pouring the tea, and then cursing when he sloshed it all over the counter, Renly realised what he had to do. He’d been so bloody passive for so bloody long, but that ended here. Time to step up his game – go and stake a claim on what he wanted for once.

He straightened his tie back up. His job wasn’t the problem; it was the solution. At work he was powerful, decisive, he had countless people working under him, with countless others working under them. If work was trying to take too much from him, too much time and too much effort, he could just take it back.

And if he really wanted Loras, and if Loras really wanted him as much as he suspected. Then why the fuck was he waiting around?

Margaery had said Loras worked Saturdays, so Renly would just go down tomorrow and surprise him. Simple as.

Sighing in relief, Renly sat down with his tea and loosened his tie again. Being assertive was taking it out of him a bit.

 

***** *** *** *****

 

Assertiveness rolling off him in waves, like golden tresses in a shampoo ad, Renly strode manfully towards the doors of the scuzzy little building he’d come to love. He was holding his head so high he thought his neck was going to snap. Raising his arms ready to throw open the doors in reckless abandon, he remembered at the last moment that they were automatic and had to stop himself falling flat on his face.  

Recovering smoothly af, he began fighting his way through the tinsel vines and fairy light vines and real vines (it still wasn’t close to Christmas…). Loras had to be around here somewhere.

After battling his way around for what felt like days, and passing the same marble donkey family for the fifth time, Renly was ready to just yell Loras’ name. But then he remembered societal rules and his usual incredibly cautious nature and managed to stop himself. That clearing must have been around there somewhere… People had survived in the desert for months, he was pretty sure he could find his way around a relatively small shop. But then hadn’t they had to drink their own wee and…

Renly stopped dead in his tracks.

Two people stood in the clearing ahead of him. They had their backs to him, their shoulders pressed up against one another, leaning in, and their heads _very_ close together as they whispered and giggled at something in front of them.

Renly’s blood turned cold. One had curly golden hair and the body of an athlete that Renly had dreamed of in many a compromising position, clad in a white t-shirt which clung in all the right places and a cute green gardening apron. Renly couldn’t see their face, but there was no doubting who it was.

Loras draped an arm around the girl next to him, she laid her head on his shoulder and … God was she pretty – all sunset hair of fire and pumpkins(?) and legs up to her armpits. She giggled as Loras reached for something on the shelf beside him – mistletoe. 

Renly’s heart felt like someone had been at it with an apple corer. A large hole punctured through it, seeping despair into his bloodstream. His brain tried desperately to keep up and logically process what he was seeing as more and more of his mental circuit boards shut down.

He must have only been standing there a second, but it was a second too long, he’d seen enough. He’d been so stupid, so naïve! Someone as open and confident as Loras wasn’t going to wait around for him forever. He only really had himself to blame.

He blinked away the spots in front of his eyes and looked up to see the girl staring at him. He stared back, still blinking rapidly, his breathing growing shallow. She said something to Loras, nodding her head slightly in Renly’s direction. Loras turned towards him, his eyes widening as they registered Renly and what must be the look of scandalised betrayal on his face. Something darkened Loras’ features, guilt? Or confusion of some sort, Renly didn’t stay long enough to figure it out.

He locked eyes with Loras one last time. And then he ran.

 

 “Renly! Renly wait!” Loras called after him, but Renly couldn’t have stopped even if he’d wanted to, his legs were in control now his mind numbly replaying what he’d seen. Over and over.  


He stumbled out to his car, wondered briefly if he was okay to drive, realised he’d just traversed the jungle that was the garden centre with relative ease, decided he’d developed super human senses, and threw the car into first. He dragged it up the gearbox, in fifth before he’d left the carpark. The car groaned in protest, making him wish there was some way he could share with it some of this crazy adrenaline that was currently coursing through him.

 

***** *** *** *****

He got home and fired off an immediate email to the garden centre.

DEAR SIR/MADAME,

DUE TO MY LACK OF AVAILIBILITY AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, ALL QUESTIONS OR PROPOSALS REGARDING MY ORDER SHOULD NOW BE FORWARDED TO PODRICK’S MOTHER (EMAIL ADDRESS ATTACHED), AS SHE IS MORE EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THEM.

YOURS REGRETFULLY,

RENLY BARATHEON

 

Slamming the laptop shut, he threw himself under his snuggies and vowed not to move for the next seven days.

It was just going to hurt too much to have to deal with different coloured petunias at the minute.

He’d put himself on the line, worn his heart on his sleeve, all those clichés one conforms to in love and blindness. _Wait what?_

Well he supposed, if it was hurting this much he couldn’t be far off the mark.

But really? _Love?_

He barely knew Loras, they’d known each other about two seconds. And yet, try as he might Renly couldn’t think of a better way to describe it.

_Fucking fabulous._

What was it they said? Better to have loved and lost. Renly wondered who ‘they’ were, because he severely disagreed.

***** *** *** *****

Daylight flooded the room and Renly had all of two seconds to process what was happening before his mattress was upended and he found himself face down on floor, surrounded by blankets and cushions and dirty washing. He thought about moving to see what the hell had happened, but then decided it was probably just as comfy down here and could he really be bothered to move?

He quickly realised this was the wrong decision when he received a swift and literal kick up the backside.

“Ow! What the hell?”

He shuffled over onto his back, like a beetle - except in reverse and with half the coordination - and squinted in the sudden light.

“You’re alive then?”

Brienne towered over him, the sun making her hair glow white, an unruly halo of a deranged angel.

Renly grunted in reply as Brienne toed the laundry beside him, “Doesn’t smell like it.”

She uncovered a half-eaten pizza hidden beneath some boxers, and leapt backward “Jesus Renly! How long have you been in here? No one’s heard from you in days.”

He grunted again and rolled back onto his front. Was it too much to ask just to be left alone?

She went to sit down next to him, but then remembered the pizza and mugs of ecosystem and thought better of it. “I received a rather frantic and, let’s say, unorthodox email from a garden centre last Saturday. About petunias and yellow ribbons.”

Renly buried his face deeper into the cushions, determined to ignore her.

“And about mistletoe and a misunderstanding?”

She nudged him gently in the side with her foot. “I really think you should ring him, Renly. I’m sure there’s an explanation…”

“Nope.”

Renly felt the floorboards creak beside him as Brienne took a step backwards.

“Alright then, maybe wait until the christening? Face to face would probably be better anyway,”

“Look would you just leave it?” he snapped, turning to face her. “He’s moved on okay, I know what I saw!” he turned away again. “I left it too long like I always do, because I was too bloody scared to do anything, and he moved on. So let’s just leave it.”

The floorboards creaked again and Renly realised how harsh he’d been. Brienne had only been trying to help; it was his fault he was in this bloody mess.

He sat up to look at her, “I’ll see you at the christening yeah?”

Her eyes softened slightly, “Goodbye Renly. Try to maybe do some washing hmm?”


End file.
